satinofacoffin's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] satinofacoffin [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[13 May 2010|12:56am] I still remember what true love feels like. It's beautiful. And I'm happy for anyone who has it. It's the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. post comment

[11 Apr 2010|06:45pm] sometimes I just wanna scream, or run away. my heart is aching. post comment

[03 Mar 2010|11:11pm] "One side of your personality is my best friend, and I will love it to no end. The other side of your personality hurts me, makes me cry, makes me want to puke. Why can't you just be good to me? You know I'm here for you for life, so why not be a good friend? I'm always gonna love you, friend or foe, lover or not. My arms are always open to you, no matter what you do or say. I don't kno" Apparently that's what I was writing last time I was on livejournal... er. yeah things are much better now. But it seems like someone always hates me.. one person or another. meh. anyways, things are mostly good. 1 comment|post comment

[24 Sep 2009|10:09am] Why does it seem like I always want whatever I can't have? If I can have it, yeah, I want it.. but if I want something and I can't have it it drives me nuts. I have messed things up so bad, and I just want to make everything okay, but there is no way to do that. There's no way to get everything I want and make everyone happy and ok. In other news, I'm joining Psi Chi. woo. fun. anyways. that's about all I have to say, really.  post comment

who cares. [24 Jul 2009|10:21pm] I bet the CVS people thought I wanted to print out porn when I said I'd just come back another time cause their little self-service printer thing was out of paper.. they could've put them through in a minute or whatever but I just left... lol. truth is, I just feel like it's awkward to get a picture of myself developed. but after a lot of walking, I got the main point of my goal accomplished. and then went to dunkin donuts. post comment

the sly silver fox makes his money telescamming notch babies. [20 Jun 2009|01:53pm] so believe in me believe in me believe if you think I'll let you down well I won't they can fire everything they've got and when you think I'm sunk I will float on and on. -"You Won't Know"            Brand New I love this song... So, this is the first post in a while. I know no one reads it, though. I don't care. It's for me.  I won't read my older posts, not now. I was tempted at first to see how happy I was when I had last written.  But I won't, not now. This is the first day of being single in almost 14 months. I don't like it, right now I feel like I would put up with any bullshit you can imagine to just feel loved.  It's pathetic.  But this break up will feel like a big mistake, a big fuck up at first, I know. It's natural.  But I have my ways of healing myself. They are usually slow and contemplative, but one day a thought enters my head, and it's just all clear and calm again.  I don't think I should write details about anything about that relationship here, though. post comment

[02 Jun 2009|10:35pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Whenever I'm dating someone, I feel like I can't tell them about Kyle. I feel like it will hurt their feelings or make them feel threatened. The truth is, I do miss Kyle. I always will, I believe, because he just vanished.  But if I have the guts to tell someone I'm dating about him, I hope they understand that this is something in the past.. it's just a person I miss, just like missing a dead person. (It's nothing that I want them to worry about at all.  I told Ian about it once, and he just used my memory of Kyle and what apparently happened against me. But Ian was cruel.) Or maybe a dead figment of my imagination. I don't know. Maybe he wasn't real. Maybe he was a lie. But all I know is I have this little part of me that still wishes he'd reappear. Just so I could have that "person" if he even existed, in my life again, as a friend.  Maybe he wasn't real. But I still have that one song that reminds me of him. I remember the face. I remember the things he said just before he disappeared that made me think he was talking to me.. without mentioning my name, trying to tell me something. I'll never know. I guess that's the part that bothers me. I'll never know if he was real. If he was, I'll never know if he was trying to tell me something. I'll never know if he's dead or alive. I'll never be able to speak to him again.  If he was real.. he understood me, like nobody else before him did. That was pretty cool. But anyway. I guess somehow my mind just wandered back to thinking about him tonight, and it's not really a fun thing to think about. night. post comment

COME ON BABY, I LOVE YOUR COMPANY. [15 Apr 2009|05:11pm] wow, haven't written in this in a while.  so.. in my abortion class today, my teacher asked us if, say, a woman is being beaten by her husband/boyfriend, but she keeps going back to him and she keeps filing charges against him and then dropping them.. Now, say she's pregnant, and his beatings hurt her baby. Can she be charged with child endangerment? I didn't say anything, but my argument is this: No, she cannot. She knew she was pregnant, and yes, she went back to him many times, but the reason women go back to abusive men, whether it's sexual, physical, emotional, etc..  is because of lies, threats, fear, coercion..guilt.  An abusive man will do and say anything to pull you back into his trap. She was a victim herself, so how can you charge her with child endangerment? If a woman is in an abusive relationship, she is at great risk of being harmed or even killed AFTER she leaves, not just before.. 3 comments|post comment

[01 Mar 2009|02:06pm] I'm not a fucking cookie cutter. You can't see what you like and ignore the rest.. post comment

[05 Feb 2009|02:36am] I'm gonna try to look at this as a little vacation. Thankfully I'm going home, and I'll see Ashley this weekend, and I'll see my family, and I'll pick up a check from work. It should be a good weekend, except for the stats homework.. lol! Just gotta stay positive! I'll try. post comment

[19 Jan 2009|05:26pm] I love you. even though I get mad a lot and cry a lot. but I want that to change.. I want to give you more space and trust you more. post comment

[01 Jan 2009|02:33pm] I will be in the Keene area tomorrow - sometime Sunday :) wooo. yay. post comment

[24 Sep 2008|12:42am] I miss Maxwell, and I still really miss my grandma. It's strange to think that her life is over.. that everything that happened in her life came to an end. It's hard to understand and really grasp the fact that's what will happen to everyone someday. No one escapes it. So.. we have to make our lives worthwhile. We have to get every happy moment we can out of it and really love and appreciate it. I hope I don't die the way she did. In a nursing home, no husband to speak of because he left long ago and died shortly thereafter. Existing only in bed. No way to pass the time but to think. Taking pills that are necessary to keep you live. And finally coming to the realization that you are never going home again.. and you want it to end. I regret so much not spending more time with her than I did. I miss her so much. She was amazing. She was wonderful. I could not have asked for a better grandmother. I am so lucky to have had her in my life. But I never want to live the way she did for the last year or so of her life. I hope that I always have someone by my side to be my companion, even if that person is slowly withering away as well.. I never want to be alone. I never want to be helpless.. Sorry.. I just started thinking about her and I got so upset.. I miss her... so Thursday is me and Tyrel's 5 months. I bought him medicine, orange juice, and soup tonight, cause he's really sick.. I don't know why it makes me so happy to take care of him. It just does. before I saw him tonight, it had been more than two days since I last saw him.. thats much longer than usual, so I missed him quite a bit.  hopefully he feels better soon. I'm doing really well so far this semester.. other than my moods being crazy and being stressed out.. my classes are all going well. ok, well its bedtime. im going to try and think happy thoughts and get some sleep. post comment

[09 Sep 2008|04:14pm] I don't think I've been thinking clearly lately.  I haven't seen what an incredible thing I have right in front of me. I keep losing sight of how happy I really am. I think I'm probably bipolar.. my moods are completely nuts.. but I'm trying to keep an eye on them.. I'm trying to keep them under control. I miss Tyrel. I want to give him a hug. He makes me happy. post comment

[05 Sep 2008|04:13pm] suddenly everything is getting better.. except my moods are still really crazy. I had a really bad night the other night. I just kept crying and I don't even know why. but yesterday was a good day, although I had to really watch my moods at certain times to be sure they were under control. 1 comment|post comment

[02 Sep 2008|03:18pm] In a way, I'm really glad to be getting out of here the 12th-15th. I miss my family so much. It'll be good to see new york, see my sister, John, Margie.. and my mom and dad and Brian.. It'll be a really fun weekend. Sometimes I still get really down about Max.. and sometimes I just sit and think about him and feel happy that I had him for all those years. 14 years. It was a long time. He was around for almost as far back as I could remember. I basically remember a very brief time of not having him, and then he was there for the rest of it. I grew up with him, and I still miss him so much, all the time. But somehow I've got to keep remembering my own philosophy.. as long as I don't forget him, he lives in me. He lives through my memory and my love. He will never lose that love. I'll just keep sending it out, and I don't know where it goes or where he is.. but I love him. He'll always be my baby. It just sucks, cause.. he gave me strength. He had no words, but he gave me strength. I miss him... Also, I wish Tyrel would come over. 3 of my friends have already told me they really want him to come over. I don't know if it's just that he doesn't like certain people, or  if it's just because he generally feels uncomfortable, but.. I'll give him time. Maybe he'll eventually come around. I really hope so. I had a dream last night that I was about to cheat on him, but I stopped. I think he was a little upset about that and interpreted it as me getting bored with him.. but I'm not. I'm very happy with him, I've never been happier with anyone else. I love him, and I care about him a lot, and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I mean that. he's so awesome:). anyways.. shower, then dinner, then class. post comment

one week, many problems. [30 Aug 2008|03:52pm] [ mood | gloomy ] So I've had a rough first week back at school. The first weekend was a lotttt of meetings, training stuff, etc. for the Wellness Community. Also mixed in with that was a LOT of time spent with Tyrel, which really upset the rest of my friends. I know they weren't angry at me, they were just sad and disappointed, because I really neglected to spend time with them. I went back to spending a lot of time with them earlier in the week, but I feel like I'm once again, just a week after moving in, not spending enough time with them again. Mandy is going to be out tonight. I miss her. Also, I had a problem because someone here made a really stupid comment about Tyrel, which really pissed me off, and just brought back that feeling that no one wants him around/likes him. So I got really mad and the whole next day (yesterday) I was pissed off and didn't want to be around them. then Mandy confronted me about it just before I went to see him, and I got pretty upset and everything but she pretty much drilled it into me that she wants him to be around here sometimes, so she can be around us both at the same time, get to know him, etc. I would really like that too, but I don't think he ever will. I am waiting to hear back about a desk attendant position I interviewed for. My shift, hopefully, if I get the job, should be Fridays 6-9 PM, but I do not know yet if I got it. I guess because I'm not officially hired yet, though, I won't be working til next Friday. I really want him to come over, especially tonight because Eric, Jen and Mandy won't be here tonight, so he could maybe just first get used to being here a little, and then he can be around them later.. I just want to be able to have him around them. if that all worked out, I would be so happy. I mean, Jess and Karsten can be, Eric and Kenny were when they were dating.. I wanna do something tonight. I'm gonna be so bored. I really think I might be bipolar. My moods are extremely unstable, and it has been this way for quite some time now. Mandy even said that yesterday when we were talking before I went out. She said "your moods are so polar". My appetite is also not at all what it used to be. Nothing I eat satisfies me. I mean, I don't eat much at all anymore. What I mean by "nothing I eat satisfies me" is that I am not pleased with anything I eat. I used to love food. Now I eat when I'm hungry but I don't find much pleasure in food anymore. post comment

[26 Aug 2008|04:26pm] well, it seems things have definitely gotten better. but I wanna get out of this building and go do something, I wanna get off this campus so bad.. but I wanna stay in Keene. I wanna go to Wheelock park or Ashuelot park or something. and why do I miss Tyrel so much and wanna see him so bad if I just saw him yesterday? post comment

saying what I want. [20 Aug 2008|11:58am] why is it so hard for me to talk? And yes, it may seem a little early to be talking about this but I think it's better that I get it out now than, say, a month from now. If I started asking for more/different things a month or so from now it would come as a shock, wouldn't it? I try to communicate things but it just gets fucked up.. because I want to, but I'm afraid to, so I end up being bitchy, vague, and confusing.  but when I think about it, it's really not too much to ask.. it's what I want, but it's also what I need. Deep down it's the same problem I've always had. I'm afraid to say what I want. I have always been afraid to say what I want. and when I say "it's up to you", I know what I'm really saying is "please get it out of me, please don't ignore this".. because it may seem meaningless, useless, or unimportant to a guy, but to a girl it's actually really important, helpful, desired, and in some cases, necessary. and yes, I feel inadequate, and inadequate people are usually also people who are afraid to say what they want, let alone ask for it. post comment

Keene! [19 Aug 2008|07:38pm] going back to Keene on Thursday morning!!! I am so excited. I can't believe it's the day after tomorrow:) ..and I hope I dont get a call back tomorrow morning about that message I left =X post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]